Your love, my Hurt

I decided to type up one of the poems from my anthology to give a taste of what's involved- The best way to describe what I have so far is "full of anti-sonnets", this poem is from the middle of the anthology and it may not make much sense out of context but it will when and if you read the full thing:

What is it we've come to in youthful naivety,

we've allowed infatuations of a Shakespearian kind,

to rule not heart but body and mind?

Alas, I'm pondering longer and harder,

to be poor Ophelia- what would I rather?

to feel? O reader I ask, to feel

the scars of "love's" dagger upon my heel?

I shall not wonder "where art thou"

for thine art- foul is the bane of manhood,

the fall of Troy at Helen's clutch

the fatality from thine cancerous touch.

Larry R

2011

We're not even gonna talk about 2010 anymore, one bullshit year. My aspirations for 2011 are as follows:

• I want to complete and publish my anthology which is filled with borderline gay emotions and other such "love" nonsense, either through the internet or a small publisher? Either way I think the world needs to see it because I think what I have so far is something special.

• I want to stop cursing as much as I do, a survey I took earlier this year told me I swear more than 99% of facebook users which really isn't a good look.

• I want to get a bit more serious with my writing which means less rants and more explorative writing and journalistic work which means less time spent on this blog and more time spent on the Larryzine (my fashion focused blog).

• Obviously I want to do some soul searching at the end of my academic year which involves a lot of frolicking in the woods naked and getting in touch with the romantic aspects of nature, I guess.

• I really want more time to write for my blogs which means I need to get organised and draw up a timetable or something and spend less time chasing pussy.

• I'm not going to spend ANY time chasing pussy this year. Honest

• I'm going to delete the males from my Blackberry cos that shit is GAY. My Blackberry is a Hoeberry and it is used to contact women I would like to have sexual liasons with, but this kind of conflicts with the last point- so maybe not?

Either way I look at it I have goals this year.

2010 is over.

HUNGRY SEASON IS OVER.

THE DROUGHT IS OVER.

@LarryMunching

#ThatIsAll

America

Dear readers, I've spent the last two weeks in florida living the "american dream"; America is one shit country. I've been to South Africa, I've been to Zimbabwe, I've been to Zambia- Orlando to me looked like one of the more upmarket areas in Zimbabwe, with their retarded cars with ridiculous carbon emissions and dumb government. I have rounded up the good and the bad aspects of my Florida experience:

BAD

• Black American boys are blatantly ALL gay; they all wear these gay arse dresses and call them "tall tees", don't get me wrong I'm quite tolerant of the homosexual community, but the one thing I refuse to tolerate are gay people that are not fashionable- THESE NIGGERS WORE SOCKS WITH SANDALS...ALL OF THEM.
• Black people in American in general are inbred in general they are the product of selective breeding in the slave times hence all these big motherfuckers dominating the NBA and NFL; The life expectancy for a black person is like 26 because if they aren't playing a sport by the time they are 12 they weigh roughly the same as a small baby whale.
• Black people food in America is all poison, "grape drink" is this purple mixture of some sort of odd tasting chemical and sugar which has NO grape in it, I should know - I have tasted actual grapes before. Their chicken has no flavour, it relies on various sugar filled sauces for taste and as a pose to having breadcrumbs on their fried chicken..they have a fatty batter coating.
• They have no fucking pavement. How can they have no fucking pavement? They have pavements in front of hotels, but as soon as you want to go to a shop you are forced to walk on the road in the path of their big arse cars because it's either that or you walk in the snake infested grass. Hell no.
• Their cars have to be big enough to accommodate a family of fair sized whales so it's understandable that the average American car is enough to block out a portion of the sun, but only an American can believe that Chrome rims are still cool- a lot of these car parts look like they were made in a toy factory in china by a four year old girl.
• The food is bigger than my face.

GOOD

• American food restaurants generally give you free refills on drinks, so you're bound to get value for your ugly green money.
• The immigration service at the airport is tight as hell (not that any rational human actually wants to get in) but the border control is SHIT so you know a lot of Mexicans get in, the amount of Latina's that are willing to marry a US citizen to get a green card is mad. I'm contemplating becoming a citizen myself- get me some latina booty.
• Breakfast buffet was inclusive. Other than that when the Americans say buffet they REALLY mean buffet; the food is dripping in fat so you are bound to be full after your first plate and the itis will hit you half way through that plate- clearly the Americans had never dealt with a pedigree African. #nobullshit.

I'm really struggling to find some good points to even out this article, so to support the good I'm going to mention the Latinas once more- Orlando being a resort city is full of Brazillians too.. Who knew Brazillian chicks preferred white guys..

LB

Quick Advice

I'm not encouraging people to cheat because it is in fact WRONG but I am a firm believer in doing things properly; If you are going to be a doctor be the best damn doctor you can be and charge ridiculous rates, if you are going to be a failure rot in your mothers basement and fail to the extreme. This life policy of mine does coincidentally cover cheating on ones partner (Let's face it, you can take my advice or take the lazy option-ask Tiger Woods how that worked out for him); Boys, I urge you- even if your girl catches you with your dick inside the other woman you are obliged to lie your way out of the situation even if it entails claiming that you "slipped". Girls, if you scream your boyfriend's best friend's name while you are getting wocked out by your boyfriend-you keep up a steady stream of lies, no matter how many times your lover confesses to your boyfriend.

L.B

Exams.

It's been a hell of a long time since my last post, I blame these bloody exams for that and frankly I'm damn pissed off. Being an A-level student I am inclined to take several useless exams at various points throughout the next year and a half, struggling to make do with the excuse for an attention span I was granted-"for what?" I ask, so that Universities will have more reasons to turn me away?

Frankly I don't appreciate this bullshit that has been bestowed upon us, especially with UCAS bitching about students now only being able to apply for FOUR universities at a time which drastically reduces the chances of average Joes such as myself of getting a place in any of these party venues. In light of these arsehole events that were obviously a ridiculous practical joke from satan (like Primark jeggings) I have decided to make a list of a reason why A-level exams are utter bullshit.

1. It is because of these horsepiss exams that my creative flow was fucked up and any point of view I had on anything was ruined by the information overdose from the crammage; all in all exams ruin my blog post rotation. Fuck you AQA.
2. These exams don't prove shit about your learning ability- considering I haven't learnt or revised shit throughout my school year and still managed to scrape C's on my January modules purely through cramming- I will be a credit to whichever uni decides to accept me.
3. A-level exams are just "the man's" way of filling up a period in our lives when we could be doing awesome things, because in all honesty it's fucking useless- learning Alevel psychology, law..etc. is pointless because in most cases when you do take the same course in university it's simply a recap of what you did in Sixth-form. If someone needed to learn a life skill at that stage in life they would have gone to COLLEGE and learnt that life skill. dicks.
4. Exam stress is the leading cause of teenage pregnancy, I cannot begin to describe how fucked up my hormones were throughout these exams; It's not to say that I didn't TRY to revise/learn the exam material, it's just that anytime I picked up a book I either got so frustrated I had to staple my hand to the table to stop myself whacking off or I got horny purely because I was bored. Exam stress made me contemplate doing things I'm ashamed to have even thought of.
5. I could have been playing COD in that time.

Guys give me time for my blogular rotation to return to me and then maybe, just maybe I can write a blog post worth reading (fuck Edexel, OCR and AQA), but for now take joy in watching this video- it might make you feel better about your life after failing. LOL, BLACK PEOPLE DON'T JUST EAT CHICKEN, THEY ALSO "EAT DA POOPOO"

L.B

Summer 2010

With summer fast approaching the usual symptoms are flaring: a dramatic rise in underage fornication, drinking and drugging, hayfever, pre-exam stress and of course the unavoidable growth in libido. It's only right that there are some guidelines set for the coming season as the festivities have been known to bow down to errors in summer conduct in the past, so make sure you're on the right side of the summer code.

1. Thou shalt not don sandals if thou hast a bad pedicure or crusty toes in general.
   On numerous occasions boys have complained about the condition of certain females toes as they insist on wearing sandals in summer: all to no avail. Ladies if you are going to wear sandals make sure you have your credentials in check, it's only fair on the people who have to witness the state of your feet. Also a pedicure is good hygiene.
   
   
2. Thou shalt not don layers of coats, hoodies , jeans and wooly hat.
   Too many times we have witnessed "the mandem" strutting around in 25 degree (Centigrade) weather in full winter gear, Ok guys- let's not pretend you don't suffer a heat stroke when you go round the corner. It doesn't look good and you shouldn't do it- it's a bloody eyesore.
   
   
3. Thou shalt wear summer colours.
   Guys and dolls, try to keep it on a funky vibe- it's summer! Think carnival! Try to fill your wardrobe with tasty pastel colours for summer and don't be afraid to go wild with blazing yellows and violets.Boys, replace the black long sleeved polo for a yellow one and you're set, ladies, try to get out of the habit of wearing jeans and go for a pair of hot pants or those saucy summer frocks- H&M are doing a great collection.
   
   
4. Thou shalt be creative.
   Let's face it guys, for most of us it's our GCSE/A-LEVEL year and we can't afford to go to every house party or rave, so try to be creative about how you have fun without compromising your education. Try to have picnics with friends: bring books, a blanket,exotic food and a decent sound system. Don't invite too many people or it may turn into a full blown party.
   
   
5. Thou shalt save money.
   Guys we are on our way to university pretty soon and we damn sure can't fuck up all our money, I know some of you have girlfriends (not links, not bangbuddies- actual girlfriends) that you take out and whatnot and I rate you for this, but it's not the one right now... this links back to rule 4: pull your finger out and be creative.
   
   
6. Thou shalt shed your head of braided extensions.
   Ladies, this point has been stressed for many years: Braids need to go. Badly applied horse hair is not a good look and it does leave you looking like Whoopi Goldberg. Go for a hot perm, mohican, crop or Rihanna cut- it will definitely be much more comfortable in the heat.
   
   
7. Guys, I really think it's time to move past stuffing shoes with socks.
   The natural curve of the foot it THE look for summer, throw away your airforces and airmax and grab yourself a pair of converse slim and even a pair of dunks as pose to the A1's ( I know some of you are like a dog with a bone about those damned Airforces).
   
   
8. Ladies, thou shalt keep a decent manicure.
   Here is a discrete guideline to nails: Bitten through- ugly, chipped-shambles, stained-fix up, dirty-go home. Noone likes a dirty manicure and guys wouldn't be too keen to have you touch them with it, synthetic nails always look nice- have a go?
   
   
9. Leave your bullshit at the door.
   There will be no mention of insecurities and there will be no bitching, summer is a festive time, a time to love.
   
   
10. Be free.
    Try new things people, don't be afraid to broaden your horizons!

There they are, MY summer guidelines for 2010

; take them and use them wisely ;)

Larry Bucks (no homo)

Result.

Well, this is exactly what we were warned of. The prospect of a hung parliament looms over the heads of millions of Brits alike as we wait in anticipation to find out which direction our little nation is heading in; in who's hands has this decision been put in? None other than Nick Clegg. I would like to take this opportunity to say that I have completely lost ALL faith in the British public, thanks a lot guys.

Polls stretching back weeks had forewarned the electorate that Labour would not get more seats than the Tories, they would not get a majority- and (God forbid) neither would the Liberal Democrats- so the question at my fingertips tonight loyal readers is what the hell were they thinking voting for Labour or Lib dems? did they suppose that their solitary vote would make that difference that would push Gordon past the majority threshold? did they dare to believe that by some act of divine intervention the Liberals would show some significance in the political process? How very disillusioned.

The fact of the matter is the British public spoke, and they spoke against socialism. Goodnight.

Larry Bucks

Can you imagine #1

Today I was sitting on my carpet, sipping at a cup of coffee and thinking about doing some revision when it dawned on me: I had forgotten to blog about one monkey that had attempted to label me an attention whore last week.

I know what you're thinking right, "oh come on grow up" and bullshit like that, but NO I refuse to grow up while labelfags roam the streets freely; is this what society has become? a playground for labelfags to bully citizens in? I rebuke this idea and I fight against it.

I had been going through my day in the usual manner: I was walking around complaining about the obviously communist government and trying to get teachers to vote conservative (the equivalent of what you yanks might call REPUBLICAN), when this individual- this vagina face said: "Guys, don't worry- he goes about being controversial because he likes the attention".

Obviously the statement had not particularly phased me at the time and I continued about my business (partially due to my short attention span).

To set the record straight to defend anyone sane enough to be like me:

1. I am a conservative supporter because I'm too black to be a BNP supporter and too educated to support labour, the lib dems (God forbid) or any other faggot party.
   
   
2. I am for abortions because that shit saves lives.
   
   
3. I dislike Nigerians because Nigerians drop property value wherever they go.
   
   
4. I think dictators are awesome because they obviously have their shit on lock and would put anyone who tries to take their shit from them into a position of serious butthurt.
   
   
5. Women are inferior because they are biologically superior and they still suck. WNBA: need I say more?
   
   
6. The garden of Eden story obviously isn't true because we didn't come out of a magical garden from 2 people which would make us all inbred- AND I'm a Christian..because this is purely opinion.
   
   
7. I do not like chicken because it tastes like shit without shitloads of seasoning, spices and sauces.

I cannot be bothered to complete this post because my arse is sore from sitting on this carpet.

L.B

Saint Adolf

All countries have their patron saints; the Scots have st. Andrew, the Irish have st. Patrick- even the Kenyans have Obama. Last week it happened to be st. George's day (st. George being the patron saint of England), even in England there wasn't much speculation into the holiday- on the contrary there was more interest in the fact that it was also Hitler's birthday (Hitler being the patron saint of Germany)

A lot of people are still very sensitive about Adolf's hobbies and how he managed to mix pleasure with work, if that is the case you are probably of Jewish, nigrae or n00b lineage and I suggest you get the fuck off my blog. Al was a complicated man, a man of sophistication and good humour, but there is simply too much bad blood for most people to appreciate what he did for lulz.

Larry Bucks

Teachers

Teachers, the fabric of our society- the people we trust our children with for six hours a day; these scholars have the power to change the opinions of the next generation, they have the trust of the kids and the confidence of their parents. We have teachers...and then we have mike. Mike Black being my government and politics teacher truly is a prime example of how a teacher truly can fuck up one's chances of gettng a decent A level grade, good job dude. When my previous teacher had to vacate his position temporarily due to another motherbitch of a teacher having to take maternity leave because she was to give birth to a mudkip so he had to go and finish the job the woman couldn't finish: teach her class (and ladies, THAT is why you simply cannot get paid the same amount a man does for the same job-but that's up for discussion on a later blog post).

I was interested to find out what my new teacher would be like when our glorious (real) teacher abandoned us, to find this grey headed creature-bumbling even in speech. The first few lessons were a trial filled with discoveries, including the revalation regarding mikes inability plan a lesson BEFORE it begins (no, seriously).

I'm sure you have all had teachers scold you about using wikipedia as your primary source of information due to the fact that trolls (not unlike myself) do tend to log in and change information on the site-simply for the lulz. Mike obviously does not share these views as he does, during lessons, get on wikipedia and use it to teach a lesson; goodbye sweet Alevels, maybe I could get a scholaship for blogging?

Considering I have absolutely no chance of getting a grade now I rely heavily on @zeynabconteh (tweet her) for the meagre bits of knowledge that I do pick up here and there. On a final note I would like to say that if you remotely care for the education, you should vote for the consertvative party or the children of this country will have their heads filled with left wing de-education, develop turnip brains and die.

Larry Bucks

School chronicles #1

Having gone to an all boys' comprehensive secondary school it was inevitable that I would have a rough time when I started at my new grammar sixth form (what you yanks call high school); Naturally I was horny as fuck when I first arrived and I confirmed that "I would" every vagina walking. Eventually I bust my nut, the horniness left and the mist was lifted from my eyes. When this mist left my eyes, I was able to see clearly and judge the society within the walls of my new hell.

Being a grammar school it was no doubt going to be filled with Asians (LOL.), coming from a rather Niggerish comprehensive school I had only seen one or two AZNs in my time and even they had been raised to be quite Niggerish, so I had assumed that this super race was exclusive to clinically smart people. I was wrong. One adorable little Chinese girl (don't be fooled, she is older than me-apparently Chinese girls don't grow past the age of 13) had been dumbfounded by the chip and pin cashcard system, as she admitted she had until a fortnight ago believed her card was broken- until of course she discovered her pin code in fact consisted of FOUR numbers.

Larry Bucks

Racism.

As I sit here waiting for my laxatives to kick in I ponder about what this world would be without racism- I have had teachers and other figures of (false) authority tell me that racism is a bad thing and that it is the very thing that is decaying society from within; this my loyal audience, is a lie. Racism is the most awesome subject I have ever come across and it truly gives me the best lulz.

Whether it's the warm feeling I get inside from reminding a chinese person that they are infidelic pagan scum ruled under a communist regime and that if their people are in danger of extinction due to the chinese government censoring the internetz and all pornography. How are the horny little Chinese teenage boys going to know what to do with a vag? They wont. The Chinese are doomed.

Black people are a hot topic when it comes to racism, black people give me the most lulz; the single fact that n1ggers conform to every stereotype makes it so much funnier- watermelons, fried chicken and whatnot are in fact a black persons true loves. Ignorance and a tan is all it takes to be a black person, thorough research into black culture has shown that black people are the most ignorant race on the face of this earth; to be a black person you must be oblivious to all concepts of peaceful cohabiting and life without stabbings, rudeness or fried chicken (to be a Nigerian of course you must be unaware of the concept of right and wrong altogether).

Might I also take this chance to remind Somalians that well, they are Somalian.

On a final note I would like to express my concerns about the lack of effective racist stereotypes for white folk, what the hell guys? Racist terms and stereotypes for white people are shit and sound like they were formulated as a nine year olds response to a "pull my finger" gag. Come on guys can we get our act together? "cracker"? seriously? that's a fucking snack. I want some SERIOUS racism submitted in to my email. Kids, if anyone tells you that racism is bad- it's a load of bullshit; racism is what makes us human, the ability to recognise difference between people and discriminate using this is essential in life- it gives you a heightened sense of self awareness.. so GO NUTS WITH RACISM AND GIVE YOURSELF SOME LULZ.

Larry Bucks.

Two and Half Men

Two and a half men has given me many a chuckles in my time, and Charlie Harper/Sheen has been a good rolemodel to me with his sexist slurs and demeaning expectations of women- but it's been like ten years now, his faggot brother is STILL in his house? Charlie has managed to lose a fan by keeping a fat middle aged leech in his yard and allowing him to raise his fat son in there. I can't hold his gambling, alcoholism or nymphomania against him, in fact I idolise him for it- but my straight laced zimbo upbringing wouldn't allow me to allow someone to eat from me like that. Alan Harper is a cockblock, a bitch and a cheapskate, If I was in his position I would have banged his ex wife until she called off her divorce lawyers. I would have let the bitch take custody of her retard son too.

Larry Bucks

(Jake you stopped amusing me when you were 10, piss off now)

Miscellaneous rants: The ipad

"What the actual fuck" was my first thought when I first saw Apple's "laptop killer", what the hell is this shit? Apple had been playing up rumours about their revolutionary new device for years up to this point, I was expecting some sort of magic spinning flip out shit like the sidekick has- or at least a click wheel or something SUPRISING. But no, all apple had for me was a giant fucking ipod touch. Kudos to you Steve Jobs, you've outdone yourself creativity wise-no seriously dude.

Not only is it merely a giant ipod touch with the only internet access being through a wifi connection leaving you tethered to your house, but these skinny mac-geeks expect us to pay around £100 extra for a 3G model for internet on the go; hold on? 3G model you say..isn't that basically a giant iphone? YES. YES IT IS. A giant iphone you can't make calls from. Don't get me wrong, I love apple products- I'm a mac user myself but this has gone too far.

Afterthoughts:

Steve Jobs is a bony virgin

Fuck this, I'm getting a zune

Apple production team clearly need a new weed man

Only the biggest fanboys and applefags are going to buy this

This is nearly as useless as Apple TV

Larry Bucks

The Wedding

Yesterday I went to a wedding in Bow (east london), my first thoughts upon driving into the area was "where is my bulletproof vest"- the place completely consists of council estates (for those readers in the states that's the english version of "the hood") and a few buses; so much space was used up by blocks that the function hall where the wedding reception was being held was UNDERGROUND. Don't get me wrong I was quite impressed with the quality of the tiny building; being built into the ground with grass growing onto it's roof and side meant it would be well insulated in winter which means that the Tower Hamlets council is making the effort to get greener and greener; the wedding itself was a fucking shambles though, you should know that I only went for the food and I wasn't disappointed by the catering, that's one thing that went well.. If I could marry the chef I would do that shit in a flash, she had me going for seconds on shrimp, pepper prawns, different rices, potato salads and the best damn macaroni and cheese I have EVER tasted. Of course it wast one of those ones where people start staring and whispering, just giving you eye while you're trying to get closer to your food- It didn't sway me.

The reception ended on a dancing note with uncles spraying dancers with £5 notes, this of course was due to the brides half nigerian background-I'm not complaining though, it's easy money.

An overall evaluation of the wedding is as follows: Fuck the groom, he's a douche. The bride was butters man, that's a dead barb. The music was shit- a lack of funky and kwaito. The photography services were fucking terrible (for a decent photo service I suggest Distinct Photography London, they are a small group just starting out but they are AMAZING, find their facebook page at the bottom of this post!).

If you don't want people to slam your special day, you better plan your shit properly for real.

Larry Bucks

Distinct Photography London facebook group <<<<>