Foreword (preview)

And so the adolescent soul sings tales of sorrow,
Promise, break thereof-fear of tomorrow.
It grows and trembles at society's whim,
Which spares not a single damned thing.
The heart is young and love being old,
The old a sceptic- the young a'bold-
And singing the same song sung.
Reader, the heart myogenic-
beats after the last breath of a lung.

Thou shalt gas thineself.

"I'm the shit. Why am I the shit you ask? I am the shit because I believe I'm the shit. Why do I believe I am the shit? I believe I am the shit because I remind myself every passing day that I am the epitome of badassery and "the shit-worthy" to the extent at which I stink like a suburbian sewer after an Indian restaurant sets up business in the area. I am the shit."

- Larry

It's perfectly fine to gas yourself up every now and again, if you don't do it who will? A lot of people need to learn to love themselves a lot more. Men, look in a mirror and tell yourselves that you see a bit of muscle through your shirt. Ladies, convince yourselves that you've gone up a cup size and that your waist are an eighth of an inch smaller than they were yesterday. I advocate all of this, what I do not advocate however is people gassing themselves and forcing that shit down people's throats, it's not cool and nobody will rate you for this.

Some bitches convince themselves within four seconds of conversation with a man that he got out of bed that morning purely with the intention of seeking her half decent arse out and chasing her cockteasing tail. If you have this mentality keep it to yourself because it will make people hate and talk behind your back, no matter how much your gassing reinforces your self esteem you need to remember that the world is cruel and it can easily knock that motherfucker down.

Love thineself, gas thineself- but force your fantasy down the general public's throats, thank you very much.

20 of life's Biggest cockblocks

Cockblocks are one of the most difficult challenges we all face in life, @Boomsuckahh and I took it upon ourselves (with the help of our followers on twitter) to compile a list of life's biggest Cockblocks.

20-Hunger

This is a tedious cockblock as it is easy to defeat, it is only a slight turn-off if your belly starts to growl while you try to get your freak on... yeah.

19-Curfew

This can prove to be a difficult one to defeat if either of your parents are tough motherfuckers, a time limit is never something to work with- imagine working against the clock?

*Recommended game for the occasion: Ejaculate within the allotted time frame, whoever comes first wins and the game ends; if the game ends and you haven't busted your nut you're pissed. Game over.

18-Too Many Man

Have you ever been in a rave filled with guys? It's not cool, guys make it their goal to cockblock each other with the "If I'm not getting some, noone is" mentality. This is a nasty situation in which every boy will cockblock until they "self-block" (suicide). The TMM (Too many man) situation can also come about when guys continuously in front of you and start grinding with your target, this in itself causes broflation as girls begin to ask their friends for help because "that crazy grinding guy is coming round to try dagger me again".

17-Baby mothers

These crazy bitches are raising their kids with no man and will act accordingly, they will battle your arse to the END to secure their kids a daddy. Dangerous cockblock, but because of the rarity of a BMI (Baby mother intervention) it didn't score high enough to get into the top ten.

16-Sobriety

This one is very simple, man has known from the beginning of time that Alcohol is his ally in the quest for pussy- with time this knowledge has evolved as man discovered the wonders of Rohypnol and Chloroform. A sober target can be tedious to deal with as you must go into the formalities and actually have to "talk" to them and display an interest in their interests. Boring.

15-Tights

From my schoolboy days I remember having a hard time tearing tights off, this was on a girl wearing a skirt; with the advances in fashion and girls wearing tights with denim shorts you can imagine just how difficult this task must be- one must surely lose an erection before breaking through the lycra barrier.

14-Trey Songz

This man is your enemy. He has set a standard for men which is unrealistic and unachievable, this in turn has raised expectations in women as they are given the false idea that men will wait for them hand and foot, rub their faces in a woman's vagina every other minute, cook, clean and maintain an olympic swimmers body. Fuck outta here, stop fuelling Broflation.

13-Video Games

Have you any idea how many girls entered a state of desperation when Black Ops and Fifa 12 were released? Yeah. The average male teenager would gladly discount a willing vagina for the latest in the "Call of Duty" line.

12-Winter

Back in the day I tried to have sex outdoors during winter and I couldn't get it up.

A lot of people just aren't in the mood during winter because the greyness of British winter is depressing.

11-Age

I can't imagine why girls my age (17/18) would be after 25/26 year old dick, these older guys are seriously stepping on younger toes. Women tend to see guys they find attractive and later find out they are 14, it's a vicious cycle.

10-Public Transport

How many times have you been HORNY at 3am, found someone equally as horny (that or willing to drink a beverage you have prepared, either way- you're getting laid), told them "I'll be round in half an hour", ran out to the bus stop and waiting for 45 minutes with a hard penis before realising that TFL doesn't run at "ungodly hours". DICKS.

9-Relationships

Sure, relationships look great on the surface: on demand sex for anyone involved, no competition.

But then there is the dark side- girls in relationship could be seeing 2 or 3 other dudes instead, which would mean the pussy is distributed fairly...this is communism-but in this case it actually makes sense.

8-Post 16 Education (excluding University)

The IB is from Satan, The A Level is from Satan. Every time you think you have the time to get laid, the sheer stress from your work kills your libido and makes you crave a nap.

Nap>Sex

7-Exes

Apparently, some girls have a problem with their friends having sex with their exes... this is foreign to me, do not ask me why this is- I see absolutely nothing wrong with it; the way I see it one man's trash is another's treasure (sharing is caring).

6-Morals

Some people aren't DTF (down to fuck) in a lot of places and situations; for example, sex in the park is apparently wrong because "kids may see you and it may tarnish their innocence" <-THIS is some bullshit, this is ENGLAND- kids aren't born with an innocence in this country. Grow the fuck up.

5-Little Siblings

Put your hand up if your little sibling or cousin has at any point been in the wrong place at the wrong time and stopped what may have been the best sex of your life happening? Yeah, I thought so.

4-Ugly friends

UFS (Ugly friend syndrome) is a major problem in society, on average everyone has an ugly friend that doesn't know they are the ugly friend- they will insist on tagging along on dates/links, there is no doubt that they will not have a partner so it will be down to you to provide a friend to take the grenade for you because without a partner they will do everything within their power to make it impossible to obtain the pussy/dick.

3-African Parents

No comment needed. This is self explanatory, if you do not understand this- God blessed you with fine white parents.

2-Periods

This is guaranteed to come around every month, most guys do not know when to expect it and so will be disappointed regularly. A woman is horny as hell during her periods, it's harder for her than it is for you- deal with it.

1-Religion

Religion is one of the few things in life people try their hardest to stay true to, it is the cockblock there is no getting around- you must face it head on. With this one there is an extremely low success rate as marriage usually defeats you before you are able to claim a victory, have you ever tried to seduce a Muslim girl wearing a Hijab?

PS. Cockblock fi dead.

I'm in a relationship, it's complicated too...

I love her but she's too selfish to work with.

I always make an effort to please us both though she throws it back in my face at every opportunity she's given.

She contributes the minimal amount to the relationship, even then she up and takes it away if she happens to feel like it- she only cooperates when she wants to.

I only put up with her because I love her so, it's not even like I fell for her straight off the bat- I had to learn to feel her.

I remember life before her; I promised myself I wouldn't fall for her like everyone else had, I'd heard stories of how she'd betrayed them too- left them out in the cold.

But she's my everything, I wouldn't quit on her- she knows how to push my buttons.

The love of my life, my Blackberry Bold.

Current affairs: Egypt

Yeah, so people are bitching about Mubarak. People are fighting over Mubarak. World leader Barack Obama is trying to get a word in on the Mubarak situation. Maybe Mubarak is tired of this bullshit and is taking a vacation? It was reported that he fled Egypt to leave his subjects to beef it out- I'm not gonna take a side here but all I'm saying is that for an African leader Mubarak sure is acting like a little bitch, Idi Amin and Mugabe never had such troubles.

Oya, move out of my way.

"Get out of my way, NOW" Every passing day I have the urge to

Smack a kid purely for contributing to this congestion. This is a hallway

in my school, it is filled with lower school kids- every day.

I want to plow them out of the way so much but apparently it's illegal.

Get out of my way, kid.

Take it Easy

It's upsetting that the more money is invested in music the worse it seems to become. I think it's fair to say that in most cases music is in it's purest form when artists are unsigned, when artists are unsigned in a lot of cases they do not have the means to make their voices heard and most people wont hear their beautiful music- the labels will. The labels sign artists with beautiful music and pump them full of money to gain publicity by the time they have the world's ear their music fall victim to the industry.

Vicious circle.